Column: Dear Hoops 1/26/10

1.26.10 – Dear Hoops

Hello again readers! Your friendly neighborhood advice giving guy is back with a vengeance and this week we have a couple new questions and answers for you to enjoy. So…enjoy!

Dear Hoops,

My b/f and I have been together about 4 months now. Before us, he was with one person for a very long time. Over the weekend, we were watching some TV with his sister and both her and I made a comment at the same time. He heard hers, but not mine. He turned to me and said, “What did you say, [insert ex girlfriend's name]?”

This has never happened before and I think it’s past the point that if it were an accident or bad habit being broken, it would’ve happened much earlier into our relationship. Am I being oversensitive about this or could this be a sign of something more serious?

Love,

Incorrect Identity

Dear Incorrect ID,

No one wants to hear the ex-girlfriend’s name called out when your boyfriend is speaking to you, but I wonder if maybe you’re letting your hurt feelings skew your perspective on this—as is VERY natural considering the circumstances. Before I get into that though, I feel the need to remind you that I cannot look into his head and tell you anything for sure—I can only offer you the insight I have and while I don’t think this is a bad thing, and may even be a good thing, you need to listen to your gut because the last thing I want to do is make excuses that you can use to justify not walking away from something that isn’t healthy.

Now, you’re 4 months in to this thing and past the accident or bad habit phase right? But are you? Maybe what you are is getting past that initial get-to-know-you phase and into that more comfortable, relaxed, relationshipee place. If that’s the case, then it’s really not such a stretch for him to say her name is it? I mean, he didn’t associate her with the new, exciting, fun, get-to-know-you phase, but the comfortable, sit on the couch, watch some tv with his sister phase—well that’s exactly how he remembers his ex isn’t it?

That’s how things were with the two of them before they broke up. In a way—in a twisted, weird, screwed up kind of way—it’s almost a compliment. He feels secure and comfortable and at peace with you enough to let his guard down which led to his mistake. And let’s face it, there’s a good chance you and she are very similar. Guys often date a type of girl and you may be smart, funny, and have crooked toes just like she did.

Add it all together and it’s an easy mistake to make. And it’s a mistake that speaks to his comfort level with you and where he is in this relationship. They broke up for a reason, but obviously he feels and sees the good parts of that relationship in your new relationship too.

Now again, I can’t say this with any certainty. I can’t tell you that you have nothing to worry about. I can’t say this isn’t a potentially debilitating issue in your relationship. I can’t tell you that you shouldn’t run and run like the wind because maybe you should. If he’s not over her you could be in for a long, unhealthy and hurtful ride and no one wants to be the consolation prize. What I am saying is that this isn’t a mathematical equation. Him saying her name when speaking to you does not equal him not being over her in every case.

You have to view this objectively. This isn’t a zero tolerance offense It happens at work, with friends, with family—it happens.

My advice to you is to let it go. Don’t be angry or upset with him—at all. Just let it fly. No need for a talk or a discussion or a heart to heart. No need for a state of the relationship address. No need for any action at all, really. Just put it away and remember it if it becomes a pattern and if it does, THEN deal with it. If it only happens once or twice and he doesn’t show any other signs of being caught up in the past, then just chalk it up as an honest mistake.

You think it’s past the point where this should be happening, but to me—it seems like the exact time when it would. And that timing supports my theory that it was just a silly-stupid-subconscious associative error that happened in his brain, not in his heart. If it’s not a pattern, it’s not real and its not something to worry about and it’s an opportunity for you to step up and show why you’re so much better than she was by not making a big fuss over it.

Good luck,

hoops

Dear Hoops,

How do I tell my sensitive-ass husband that I’m not getting my needs met? He seems to think ignoring the fact that he’s having erectile issues AND high blood pressure makes everything okay, but I’m alternating between being worried he’s going to have a stroke and scoping seekbang.com. I really don’t want to go behind his back, but I need some d@mn relief! WTF do I do?!

-Hubby is Limp

Dear HIL,

You need to approach this from a health first—sex later perspective. If your man is having erectile dysfunction (ED) and has high blood pressure, those are the things that need to be worried about first.

As for the ED, you need to understand that ANY guy is going to be sensitive about that issue. Can you imagine losing the very essence of yourself as a woman? This can leave ANY man sensitive, embarrassed, unwilling to admit it or talk about it and your attitude toward it “my sensitive-ass husband” isn’t a helpful one. Welcome to the equation, you are officially part of the problem.

Step one should be changing that. It’s the easiest thing for you to control because it’s YOU. You need a new point of view. The man you love is suffering in ways that you can’t even begin to fathom or understand. His health is in danger. Nothing you can say will make it better, but your unconditional love and support go a lot farther than your sarcasm and criticism have.

Do you think your constant haranguing for sex and your “needs” is going to help or hurt the psyche of the man whose very manhood has deserted him? Do you think that every time you make a deal of it you make his problem better or worse? Do you think he gets closer or farther away from being able to walk into a doctor’s office and saying, “I can’t get/maintain an erection.”?

So stop your alternating. Put seekbang.com out of your mind. In sickness, not just health; in bad times, not just good; for worse, not just better, you promised to love this man. High blood pressure could lead to him dying. Your needs not being met could lead to you being really frustrated. Which problem do you think should take precedent? And where is he supposed to come up with the courage to tell a stranger about his problems when someone who loves him is primarily worried about her needs, not him and how this can destroy him either mentally or physically?

What you do when you need some relief is play with yourself. Is it ideal? No. But it’ll fucking do on a temporary basis. What you do is realize that he still has the desire, but not the ability and every time you flick the bean, know that he can’t release the same way and try to have a little compassion for how hard that must be.

Be a supportive, loving wife and help him gain enough confidence to go see a doctor about his problems—which are probably related—and get them fixed and under control. Once they are, you’ll get yours again. It starts with you though. You have no idea what an important role you play in things right now. Wake up. It may not be your problem, but you are the person who will swing it one way or the other. Selfish or selfless? Partner or individual? Temporary frustration or permanent harm?

Do the right thing.

-hoops

And that’s all for this week! I hope you enjoyed this second installment of Dear Hoops! Remember, if you have a question you need Hoops-style advice on, just shoot me an email at dearhoops@gmail.com and I’ll get on it asap!