3.8.10: Dear Hoops

Greetings again book people! Can you believe they keep asking me to send in more and more advice to be posted here? I should start by thanking those of you who have written in to dearhoops@gmail.com with questions because you’re the ones who are making this happen! And without further ado, here is this weeks column…

Dear Hoops,

My friend’s long-distance boyfriend just dumped her in a big way. She’s taking it really hard, so I don’t want to tell her ‘I told you so’, except I did—months ago when this entire thing first started. How do I make her feel better about herself without sounding like a bitch?

-Bitch Sound-a-like

Dear Bitch,

A real friend doesn’t rub it in when the friend they care about so much is in pain. You deal with this like you would deal with any other break up. It doesn’t matter that you saw it coming. You’re not omniscient. It very well could have worked out—some LDRs do even if the percentages aren’t particularly good.

So you deal with this like you would any other breakup. You put your pajamas on, pick up some ice cream and funny movies and go over to spend some quality time with her eating decadently, not caring about your appearances and agreeing with her that all men are evil and horrible and that you’d all be so much better without us.

Then what you do, when you notice she’s starting to get a little bit better is that you tell her about the many things that make her special—and you really make her listen. And you really put some effort into what you’re saying to her. You remind her of how amazing she is and how much she deserves from a man who’s lucky enough to date her. Then, you tell her as much as it may hurt, in the long run it’s for the best because she deserves so much more and now she’s free to go get it.

A good friend rolls through the post-breakup mess with their brokenhearted friend. You get right down there in the slop and misery with them. You slowly drag them out with you and then, when they can handle it, you turn into their coach. You motivate them to not only face the world again, but to attack it and take from it what they want most. You build them up and set them loose.

If you don’t want to sound like a bitch, just don’t be one. This isn’t about you and what you knew or when you knew it. It’s not about being right. It’s not about anything but being her rock, her companion, her guide and her coach as she comes to need each one.

Being a good friend isn’t a difficult thing. Mostly, you just have to REALLY listen because your friend will TELL YOU what they need from you and then all you have to do is give them what they ask you for. It all starts with listening to them though and if you go to her with this attitude that you were right all along, she’ll smell it on you a mile away and shut you out. Let it go. It’s over. Listen. Support. Be there for her in the way SHE wants, not the way YOU think she should.

It all starts with really listening. Good luck!

-hoops

Dear hoops,

I’m in need of some manly advice.

I’m a woman and I don’t understand how to be good in bed. I’ve only had one sexual partner, my boyfriend, and he’s only had sex with me.

I don’t understand how to make sex better for him, or for me.

signed,

Lost

Dear Lost,

It’s been my experience that the people who are usually the worst in bed are those who think they are the best. So take heart, there’s plenty of hope for you.

The reason so many people who THINK they are good in bed wind up not being so is because they get that confidence from what they probably learned with one partner, and don’t realize that each new partner is a whole new experience and adventure. The point is that there isn’t some secret formula or repertoire of tricks and talents you can amass to be good in bed. That’s a myth.

Sex is a team sport and it starts with chemistry. You can know every trick in the book, but if your partner isn’t into tricks, then you’ve just wasted a lot of time. Different people enjoy different pacing, levels of intensity and positions. Some people enjoy dominating their partner while other enjoy being dominated. Some are aggressive while others are passive. Some like it soft and slow while others like it fast and furious. Some like all of the above in a certain and specific order based on the time, temperature, location and barometric pressure. It’s a nightmare!

The fact of the matter is that while sometimes people have an immediate sexual chemistry, the first time you’re with someone should NEVER be the best time and if it is, then you aren’t doing it right. The key to being a good lover has everything to do with being mature enough to talk about sex with your partner. It has everything to do with experimenting and trying new things and gauging your partners responses.

There’s no wrong way to do it. It can be fun and flirty, you can giggle and laugh the whole time. It can be hot and steamy like something you read out of a romance novel. It can be wild and crazy and involve a pair of handcuffs, a blindfold and a spatula. The amazing thing about sex is that it’s really a gateway through which you often find out things about yourself you never knew before. Sex is about discovery—both of yourself and of your partner. It’s such an intimate act because of that discovery, because in order to do it right you need to communicate so honestly and frankly. Your lovers will know things about you that your BFF would never even guess at and that is what makes it so magical.

So, the only advice I would give someone like you who is just starting off down this road is to be courageous. Master your fears and insecurities. Learn to talk about sex with your partner. Be eager to make it better for him and be demanding that he do so for you. It’s amazing that you want to be better for him but you’re telling the wrong person. Tell him. No one knows what pleases him better than he does and in return, help him out because no one knows what pleases you better than you. Don’t get caught in ruts. Just because you find one way you like it doesn’t mean you’re done. Never stop exploring and trying and experimenting. Nothing that brings you both pleasure and satisfaction is ever gross or weird.

Sex is a beautiful and wonderful thing and it’s meant to be enjoyed. So enjoy it. Treat each other with respect and affection and let loose your inhibitions. You don’t need or want expert advice from anyone else. Trust me. What you want is to learn it all on your own with someone you love and care about. So, have fun.

Happy Humping,

Hoops

That’s it for now. Thanks to all of you book people who read and write in to dearhoops@gmail.com with your questions. Keep them coming! See you next week! If you need some advice, just send an email to dearhoops@gmail.com and get your advice from a guy who has actually been on dates since the Reagan Administration instead of the professional grandmothers you read in your local newspapers!